"Tough Girl; Be Gentle (Part Two) ... this one ... will try to explain what is going on now, and what we are facing now.
In Part One, I gave my first small hint of the beginning of the problem when I was describing My Middle Miracle's pregnancy and birth ... she was my "easiest" ... but after her delivery (all of my babies had to be delivered vertical C-Section) I was given the warning that "scar tissue was developing at an alarming rate, and we had a challenge getting to her."
We didn't know what that meant back then ... but when you continue reading Part One you will find the words "scar tissue" repeated often.
Like I said in Part One, scar tissue (in and of itself) is necessary and normal. It is how our bodies are designed to heal itself. Every time you cut yourself, our bodies heal itself by producing scar tissue. Every time you undergo surgery, your body produces scar tissue to close up, and seal, from inside out ... to help seal the healing process. Scarring is NECESSARY to proper healing. It is an amazing part of how we were fearfully, and wonderfully, made.
Major trauma to your body causes scar tissue ... I'd think being literally "crushed" can be considered major trauma. I'd also think multiple major surgeries (in addition to three vertical C-Sections) can be considered major trauma. My body has endured, and survived, many forms of major trauma.
I am, indeed, a tough girl ... be gentle.
When a body has been through as much as mine has, you become very intimate with yourself. You KNOW your body. You can feel, literally, when something is not right. I'd say within the last 3 years "that feeling" increased considerably. It was becoming more and more apparent (through changes in my body that I could feel, combined with the rapid growing of discomfort/pain) that a need for another surgery was growing more and more imminent .... I would mention it here, and there, every once in a while to the people closest to me, but I think "because I never followed through, or seriously pursued it" I don't think I was taken seriously by them.
I will be extremely honest, and therefore making myself extremely vulnerable, by confessing that back in the months from January to April I begged and pleaded for God to take me ... please, Father, let me go to sleep .... forever ... and please let me wake up in YOUR ARMS .... take all this pain away ... I am ready, Father .... please ... take all this emotional, mental, physical, Spiritual pain away ... I give it all to you ... I can't handle it anymore .... I don't want it anymore ... please, let me go ... I am ready to, and I want to, die.
I do believe if you were watching my Facebook page around this time ... and I even wrote a blog about it; I think ... you might have picked up a few clues of just how desperate and hurting and scared I had become ...
I'm still there ... but, dadgummit, I am a Tough Girl.
I have to admit, now, with all this coming to the surface and happening so fast, if maybe .. just maybe ... God is compassionate and merciful, and has heard my prayers, and is setting the stage to answering/grant them for me.
Who knows? All I can say, and will say, is this: LET HIS WILL BE DONE. AMEN. SO BE IT.
So let's get down to the nitty-gritty, shall we?
If you've been following my Facebook page, it's public, you should be able to go back to September 16th ... when it all started.
I finally swallowed my pride, and kicked stubbornness to the side, and made myself with an appointment at the brand-new Texas Tech University Clinic here ... I filled out the history form, yada yada yada, and climbed upon the paper-covered medical lounge chair, and proceeded to verbally go over the history form with the doctor ... yeah yeah yeah, let's take a look, lay down ... and the external, manual palpations of my body began ... and, immediately I could tell he realized this lady wasn't full of delusional bullshit.
I was assigned a medical case manager. Extensive labwork was immediately ordered. Mammograms were immediately ordered. CT Scans were immediately ordered. Ultrasounds were immediately ordered. ETC ETC ... we need to schedule an MRI ASAP .... okay, just let me know.
Then the bombshell was dropped on me ... the case manager calls me, and tells me, basically, this is way over our head and we can't help you, and you need specialists, and blah blah blah (all of this is on facebook) .... and so here's what the CT Scans and all those other diagnostic imagings revealed.
In a nutshell .... they really freaked out over my breasts ... they felt something troubling and wrong ... the mammogram and ultrasounds of my breasts show that they are still very healthy ... too healthy for a woman my age ... I breastfed all of my miracles until they were two ... well, Lindsey wanted it until she was two and a half ... but, anyway, all the "suspicious lumps and weird trunk-like things" they felt upon manual palpation was just my milk canals and milk ducts and milk glands WHICH ARE STILL ACTIVE AND ALIVE .... that really through them for a loop, as you can imagine ... and me, too, actually, but evidently it seems my body still thinks it needs to prepare to nourish an upcoming baby ... maybe the after-effects of the last, most recent loss that was re-absorbed into my body? I have no idea, and they don't either, but anyway if any of y'all need a "wet nurse" I'm available.
CT SCAN results are way more detailed and serious, and I'm just going to gloss over them and keep it as simple as possible.
Lower Lobes of Lungs are collapsing.
Large, tangled mass of arteries, blood vessels, and capillaries adhered to surface of liver.
Undetermined adnexal-type mass outside of uterus ... remaining fallopian tube (most likely the last ectopic pregnancy?)
Nevermind, I've decided I cannot do this ... nor do I want to do this.
Bottom line is this: first of all, you CANNOT see scar adhesions/tissues on any diagnostic image .... no matter how advanced ... you cannot know exactly what you are dealing with, nor the extent of it, until you are cut open and can see with your own eyes what is there.
The facts from past surgeries, re-read the details of the births/surgeries from Part One, combined with recent diagnostic imaging results, and manual palpation examinations, show that my entire torso is covered with invasive scar tissue.
Like I said, scar tissue is necessary. But my body, for whatever reason, produces way more than I need ... I have invasive, spreading scar tissue that is choking/smothering major organs and cutting off blood/oxygen supply ... it is invasive and spreads like cancer .... just keeps growing, and spreading, and covering everything in its path ... the specialist told me Wednesday, that the last surgery I had, it was like CONCRETE inside of me ... the organs (mainly my intestines/uterus at the time) were so tightly fused together that it was one solid hard ball.
Well, that was ten years ago ... they did the best they could then with the knowledge that they had at the time, and separated and sheared as much as they could .... placed additional mesh inside of me (which has since slipped, and had embedded (literally grown into) into my organs.
So what we are facing Friday is serious.
They did not sugarcoat anything ... my mother was there as a supporting witness ... she cried more than I did .... actually, I don't think I cried. Actually, I know I didn't. I looked the surgeon right in the eye, and told him if he put me under and I didn't wake up, that I was at total peace with that. I'm ready, and have been ready. I wish I could describe the look on his face. He reached out and took my hand, and with moist steely eyes told me, "I guarantee you will wake up from my table. What I can't guarantee is the first five days afterward. It will be pure hell. And I have to warn you of that. There is no medicine that will completely cover the pain. You could bleed out. You will have to be watched around the clock for first signs of fever and infection. Your condition can quickly turn septic, and its nearly impossible to turn that around once a body goes into sepsis."
He said more, but I will stop there ... I just looked at him and said, "Okay."
I need to wrap this up.
I will be completely gutted Friday. Me on one table, and my organs next to me on another stainless steel table. The organs must stay moist at all times, and cannot dry out. The organs will be painstakingly "fileted" of all the scar adhesions and tissues that have them tightly fused together like concrete ... one nick, one tiny pinprick, one puncture, one slip and slice is NOT GOOD ... there will be TWO specialists working on me side-by-side, with another on emergency standby ... two eyes, two hands working as fast as they can while still being as careful and steady as they can to avoid any possible mistake ... time estimated on the table? 4-9 hours. The longer I am under, the more the risks increase ... to be intubated that long, to be exposed and open that long, keeping the organs moist that long etc etc
I have a ton of pre-op tests tomorrow ... those of you who've had surgery know this ... mine will be a little more extensive .... standard EKG, standard labwork .... getting blood ready for transfusions which are already anticipated .... chest e-rays to see more closely how long I can be under, intubated, and on a vent and will I have trouble getting off the vent and breathing on my own? so, so,, so so, so much involved and I really rushed through it.
All of a sudden I am uncomfortable sharing all of this, but Ive always been pretty much an open book .... and I am a Woman of Faith, and believe in prayer .... I personally do not know what to pray for ... but, please, pray for my children; MY MIRACLES.
Once again, I am publishing this without editing or proof-reading ... please overlook the errors ... I've left a ton out, and I typed all of this out without any real thought of precision and structure ... sad, for an English major ... but I'm pouring my heart out, and not expecting to be graded .... if you grade me, shame on you.
I love y'all :))) And God Bless.