"... how is it possible to feel sad and sorry for doing the same foolish things over and over, with regret afterwards,
and really mean it? Is my regret, and request for forgiveness, really sincere ... even though my behavior seems to
prove otherwise? Many probably feel/think I am a hopeless hypocrite ... and they would be right: I AM."
Someone I Love, and Respect, dearly ... but whom I also hurt often with the same successive and tiresome
shortcomings ... pointed out my hypocrisy with this jarring proclamation after reading the first part of this blog: you
rarely see your mistakes as serious because you assume [automatic] forgiveness.
Ouch. That stung.
And just like following a script, I pulled out my defense mechanisms ... remember those that I talked about yesterday?
Read them again because, yes, I did it.
Like an idiot.
How dare he say that to me ... all throughout that blog I said I was sincere ... how could he not see that?
God sees my heart; others don't ... they can't ... and now even he had a hard time seeing my heart.
He ought to know me by now!!
Did he not see the ending where I quoted the Apostle Paul? How could he not notice that Paul wrote of the
STRUGGLES in the lives of every Christian ... how that, even though forgiven, our human natures continually
fight against the spirit of God, and His laws?
OMGoodness did I ever chew on that mean, nasty gristle he threw at me.
I chewed on it all day long, and all night long ... for here I am at 4:43 AM (exactly 120 hours, btw) determined to finish this sorry blog.
And then it hit me.
As MOST always, he was right ... sincerity may be an admirable quality, yes, but it is in no way any kind of standard
upon which THE TRUTH can be based.
And, in this case, THE TRUTH IS THIS: there is much, much more involved in "being forgiven" than just "being sorry."
You must DO something ... words mean nothing ... you must DO something.
You must repent.
". . . Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish!" ... Jesus' Words.
Then another "it" hit me ... and, as most ALWAYS, the Someone I Love, and Respect, dearly ... who pushes all the
right buttons to make me pull out my defense machine gun ... well, guess what, he was right.
Yes, honey, there are many places in "that Book" that warns of consequences ... deathly consequences.
". . . Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish!"
Okay, I don't want the punishment of death, so, unless I repent .... wait.
What exactly does "repent" mean?
To feel sorry for what one has done, or failed to do; to be conscience-stricken or contrite ... to feel such regret
or dissatisfaction over some past action, intention, etc., as to change one's mind about it ... to feel so contrite over
one’s sins as to change, or to decide to change, one's ways; to be penitent ... to feel sorry, self-reproachful, or
contrite, over an error or mistake ... to feel such regret or dissatisfaction over that error as to change one's mind.
There it is ... there's the definition.
I’ve done all of that ... I still do all of that ... often ... REPEATEDLY ... read the first blog again!!!!
I am deeply, and sincerely, sorry for what I have repeatedly done and for what I repeatedly fail to do ... My conscience
is seared, and I am full of regret ... I am so full of regret that I realize I need to cha.... Oh no.
There it is.
I’ve been hit yet again ... this time even harder ... this is not a sting, this is a punch.
In the gut ... in the Heart.
In His heart.
It’s not enough to be sorry ... it’s not enough to even be sincerely sorry.
Feelings, and words, are a start toward true forgiveness ... YES!!!
But just a start.
Sincerity is NOT a standard upon which THE TRUTH can be based.
And THE TRUTH IS: Action speaks louder than words.
I must change ... I must show, not tell.
I must make an honest effort to change my mind/thinking.
I must change my ways ... unless I change, REPENT, I shall likewise die.
The punishment will be sure death ... no future with My Savior in His Kingdom, no future for happy/healthy
relationships with my daughters, My Miracles ... no future with my friends and loved ones.
No future with the Someone I Love, and Respect, dearly.
Please, forgive me.