Brooke Brookreson-Williams.
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When God Steps Away ...

3/23/2015

 
The other night while I was doing my personal Bible study on depression, which resulted in this blog HERE, I meditated upon all the standard scriptures that reminded me that God is my Comforter, My Deliverer, My Fortress, My Rock, and My Shield.

I was somewhat comforted by all of the scriptures that told me He is with me wherever I go ... as in Joshua 1:9 "Be strong, and of good courage, and don't panic or tremble anymore, for I am with you wherever you go."

That speaks directly to me ... I know all about panic, and shivering/trembling, when my brain misfires and sends ridiculous amounts of adrenaline coursing through my veins that causes me to either shrink in fear in an attempt to flee/hide, or become hyper-alert ready to pounce any direction at a moment's notice to fight for my Life ... it's real, folks.

And I was also somewhat comforted by all of the scriptures that assured me He will never leave me or forsake me ... as in Hebrews 13:15 where it literally, and specifically, says THAT verbatim.

I say "somewhat comforted" because I knew my Truth ... the same Truth that King David felt, and knew, firsthand ... "How long will you forget me, O Lord? Forever? How long will you hide your face from me? My God, My God, why have you forsaken me!?!? Why are you so far from helping me? And why are you deaf from the words of my roaring? O bring me out of my distresses ... Hear, O Lord, when I cry out to you ... please, please answer me! Where are you??"

And, not only was it my Truth, and King David's Truth, that God DID forsake us and was not always there for us ... as promised ... it was Jesus Christ's painful Truth, too, when He was struggling to breathe upon the stake and the clouds turned pitch black, and He saw, with His own eyes, God step away and turn His back to Him .... "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? My God, O, my God, why have you forsaken me!?!?"

So I found myself faced with an obvious contradiction ... right there in the Bible, and right here in my own personal experiences ... the Word of God contradicted itself ... I have, on one hand, promises that He will never leave me or forsake me and, on the other hand, recorded accounts written and preserved in the Bible forever (coupled with my own experience) that proves/shows otherwise.

Talk about being "somewhat comforted" ... lol.

And, then, I recalled something my dad taught me when I was a young girl ... when he gave me this Bible for my 16th birthday ... He told me to study this Book, and to prove/test ALL things written in here ... he told me to question everything ... and, he really did mean EVERYTHING ... he told me I would find blatant "lies" in here ... and he also told me I would find what appears to be contradictions! 

Keyword: appears.

He taught me that when I am faced with what seems to be a contradiction, that I must guard myself from reacting carnally ... jumping to a quick, human-natured arrogant hot-tempered knee-jerk conclusion ... without taking a moment to gather more facts, stepping away to maturely assess the context and situation, before making any assumption or judgment on the issue. 

So, that's what I did these past two days ... I stepped away and gave myself time to mull over this painful contradiction ... I tried to quieten my carnal human nature and tried to invite the Holy Spirit in to help me look at this paradox in a better Light.

I am the mother of three daughters ... ages 23, 19 and 9 ... I call them My Miracles ... maybe I will tell you why I call them that someday.

If you are a parent, I'm sure you will understand that each of your children require different approaches (or styles) of parenting/teaching ... depending upon their age in Life, their maturity, their personalities, their needs and their sensitivities ... it's something we as parents eventually figure out and learn as we go ... unfortunately, some parents don't ever figure it out.

But, I digress.

With My Youngest Miracle, I have more of a "micro-manager" style of parenting ... I still call most of the shots, and control what she will or won't do ... I still oversee her behavior and choices, and I discipline/guide her, and I protect her - ready to jump at a moment's notice if I see her head in a direction that will definitely harm her ... I'm the influence behind most of her plans, and map out the direction I'd like to see her go ... of course, this stage lessens everyday as she grows ... she's not a toddler anymore ... and I find myself transitioning into the "next style of parenting" with her ... which is where I've been with My Middle Miracle.

With My Middle Miracle, I've had an "Allowing" style of parenting the last five years or so ... I had to have faith I taught her the best I knew how, and I had to let go quite a bit, and allow her to decide for herself how she was going to behave and decide for herself what choices she was going to make for herself ... always being right there, if she REALLY needed me, but letting her do her own thing whether I personally agreed with it, or liked it, or not ... I "allowed" her to become who she wanted to be, and now, with her, I find myself transitioning into the "next style of parenting" which is where I am with My Oldest Miracle.

With My Oldest Miracle, my parenting style is "Hands-Off." She's 23 years old, and has traveled the world. She turned 21 in Dalian, China where she lived and worked for over a year. She's independent, and intelligent. She is completely on her own. She knows where I am, and I know where she is. I know she can handle herself and Life. I know she is prepared to face challenges and trials. I can not, and will not, live Life for her.

But, I digress AGAIN.

As I was saying, some parents don't ever figure it out. They either neglect, or provoke their children to wrath through constant criticism, or smother. I personally think a good, healthy blend of the three main parenting styles ... micro-management, allowing, and hands-off ... is best.

And if God is our Father, our Parent, and if He created us and if He created the family unit ... I think He probably has a better grasp of His Children and how to "parent" than we do.

All throughout the Bible you can read and study and witness His parenting styles ... and all throughout the Bible you can see examples and proofs of His parenting styles ... and if you are perceptive, you will see that He is a perfect blend of micro-managing, allowing, and hands-off.

We can PROVE, through His Word, that He has done all three parenting styles at different times, with different people, and through different circumstances ... just like none of our children are all the same, and just like the times change, and just like everyone's circumstances and situations vary .......... the same applies with God, and His children.

I think people who believe that God always micro-manages everything (God did this for me, God did that for me, God told me this, God told me that) are making a big mistake ... and when I see people, at the other extreme, thinking God is always "Hands-Off" well, I think they are making a big mistake, too.

I see God, our Father, at mostly the "allowing" stage ... He can micro-manage when necessary but, for the most part, He allows us to do what we want to do. Yes, He has His own plans for us ... but He doesn't micro-manage those plans.

Otherwise why do we have the scriptures that tell us even though we think we make our own plans/way, God has other plans for us ... "For I know the plans I have for you" ... "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD re-directs his steps" ... and He will make sure we arrive where we were supposed to be in spite of our detours.

What does all of this have to do with solving the contradiction/paradox of He will never leave us, nor forsake us, and yet at times feeling like you are literally being forsaken???

I can not, and will not, live the Lives for ANY of my children ... can/will you? ... would you really WANT to?

When your baby first learned to walk, did you prevent and protect him from every single bump and fall? When you taught your young child to ride a bike did you force him to keep his training wheels on? Did you go to school every day with your child to watch his every move? to make sure he didn't get his feelings hurt? to make sure he got all of his potty breaks? Did you do all of his homework for him, and take all of his tests for him? Did you go take his driver's test for him? Did you go on all of his dates with him? Go on job interviews with him? Answer all of the questions for him?

If you didn't do all of these things for him ... does that mean you don't love him?

Then, why would we think our Loving Father should jump in every single time we need something? And why would we feel like He doesn't Love us if He doesn't immediately jump when we holler? Why do we assume He is not there? Why do we feel He doesn't care? Or hear us? Or notice?

God delivered in the past ... God delivers now ... and God will deliver in the future.

But how quickly?

Sometimes very quickly. Sometimes not quickly at all.

But is it possible He might have a Good reason if He waits?

Sometimes God sits back and lets you take the test because He's been training you for it ... sometimes He lets you drive the car by yourself because He's prepared you to be a Good driver ... And sometimes our emotional upheaval is because we have been in training ... He has been helping us to grow, to mature ... He's helping us deal with adversity and Life ... and He is not going to be the over-protective, smothering Parent who makes all the decisions for us ... He's not going to be the Parent who always bails us out when we get in trouble ...

Sometimes when we are down, yes, God will comfort you and He will deliver you ... but it may not be as quickly as you like.

God will ALWAYS deliver ... but in different ways and at different times.

So the next time you are going through a real hard time, and you are feeling really low, and ignored, and useless ... and the next time you feel forsaken ... please, think of God's plan for you, and try to remember all of the Good things you KNOW He has already done for you.

If you do that, you will be like Jesus Christ .... and that is what we are supposed to do, right? Aren't we supposed to be more like Him, or try to be more like Him?

Jesus Christ went through the Darkest and Greatest and Hardest and Lowest and Scariest trial OF ALL, but His Father knew His Son could handle it ... God had faith His Son was prepared for it ... His Boy was ready ... His Son was going to succeed ... The Father knew it was time to let go, step back, and let His Son finish it on His own .. Dad knew what His Son needed, even if it was tough.

Jesus Christ went through the Darkest, Greatest, Hardest, Lowest and Scariest trial OF ALL ... and while He was going through it ... and after He screamed out "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani" when His Father stepped back from Him .... he still chose to remember, and hold onto, this fact: My Father loves me, and He WILL deliver His promises.

So, my friends, think about this.

 When God, your Father, steps back ... He knows what He is doing.

Don't lose faith, and fight the Good fight.

The Struggle is Real

3/21/2015

21 Comments

 
I am a ... Believer.

I have minored in Religion, and I once had hopes of pursuing a Master in Theology ... having tested to begin courses towards that direction before I even completed my under-grad degree ... all of that is still simmering dry on the back burner. 

I am a ... Christian.

I have worked in the ministry, and I feel a strong need to serve others although I honestly have no idea how I can really be of any kind of worthwhile "service" since I feel so inadequate.  I mean, who am I ... really ... and how could He use me, of all people, and why would He want to?

I am a .... Nothing.

The past few months have been emotionally taxing for me, and this heavy taxation has triggered a fierce relapse of PTSD complete with its full-blown depression and random panic attacks ... notice, please, I said "triggered a relapse" which means these issues are nothing new and are also, unfortunately, recurring.

I am not clueless, and I am not in denial ... I am aware of the physical, and Spiritual, causes/sources of my pain.

But being "aware" doesn't make it any easier to deal with, though, and neither does over 25 years experience of dealing.

As the sun was setting, I decided tonight would be Good night to delve into my Bible for a personal study on depression ... I have leaned so heavily upon my Best Friend these past few weeks, I thought I'd give him a much-needed rest and turn to our Creator. It was the perfect time to reach out to Him; being the Sabbath.

I stumbled upon something appalling and disturbing as I was skimming through a few Christian articles about depression, and I couldn't believe my eyes ... I read it and re-read it again several times ... I took a screen-shot of it, and read it again.
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I immediately began to HURT for all the many others, like me, who were searching for help and stumbled across this statement.

How damaging! How dangerous! How false! How irresponsible! How wrong!

My own hurt/pain was forgotten, irrelevant, at this point .... and had turned into OUTRAGE.

What complete, and utter, shit from a horse.

God never used anybody who was depressed or discouraged? Really?

Let's see ...

MOSES - "I am not able to bear this any longer ... it is too heavy for me ... it would be better if I were dead ... if I have found any favor in your sight, at all, take me, I pray thee."

I don't know about you, but, that sounds like a depressed and discouraged person to me ... and we ALL should know how God used Moses.

ABRAHAM - "And a deep sleep fell upon him; lo, a horror of great darkness fell upon him."

Anyone who has truly experienced depression can instantly recognize what this passage described ... the only time the pain is dulled is while sleeping ... and you sleep so much that you fall deeper and deeper into the dark pit ... but, sorry, God was never able to use Abraham.

ELIJAH - "I've had enough; please take my Life for I am not Good enough."

Goodness Gracious, I guess God couldn't use the PROPHET Elijah either ... despite his obvious exhaustion and insecurity.

JEREMIAH - "Cursed be the day wherein I was born!"

Dang, another prophet, despite all he did to honor God's calling .... sorry, Jeremiah was not used.

JONAH - "It's better if I were dead ... take, I beseech thee, my Life from me ... for it is better for me to die than to live."

Despite his crappy attitude, and poor decisions, God still used Jonah ..... oh, wait, nevermind, sorry ... according to that article up there, God didn't use him either.

Something's fishy here.

And how about  the Apostle Paul??? Paul was "pressed beyond measure; pressed beyond strength; thought it might be better to die!!!" Did God not use him?? 

Or what about my personal favorite, the Man After God's Own Heart, King David??????

KING DAVID - "I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly ... I go mourning all the day long, I groan because of the turmoil in my heart ... have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am weak ... please heal me ... I am weary with my groaning ... how long will you forget me, O Lord? Forever? How long will you hide your face from me? Consider me, and hear me, lest I sleep the sleep of death ... the sorrows of death encompass me ... My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me??? Why are you so far from helping me? And why are you deaf to the words of my roaring??? Turn back unto me and have mercy upon me for I am desolate and afflicted ... O bring me out of my distresses ... Hear O Lord when I cry ... please answer me ... Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble ... my eyes are consumed with grief ... My Life is spent ... My strength is failing ... my bones are consumed ... But I trust in you, O Lord ... You are My God."

All of these men were Believers ... all of these men had a specific job to do that God assigned to them ... that God GAVE them ... and every one of these men had trouble with their calling, and struggled to do God's will ... each and every one of these men got depressed, and discouraged, over different circumstances and situations ... they were ALL in a state of acute stress, and found it very difficult to carry out the demands of their tasks ... and each one of these men were still very, very much used by God in spite of their flaws, illnesses, and weaknesses.

The most damaging, the most dangerous, the most irresponsible, and the most false/wrong self-righteous advice, attitude and judgment of them ALL is when you go to a trusted confidant, or elder, or friend, or leader, or pastor, or whatever/whoever ... and you feel this, or hear this, from them:

"A real Christian has faith ... a real Christian never gets that heavy or sorrowful ... A real Christian would never let depression get that much of a hold of them ... a real Christian doesn't doubt their worth ... a real Christian never questions God ... a real Christian wouldn't have that kind of trouble/struggle ... a real Christian would never want to die ... a real Christian knows all things work for Good, and knows he's going to make it, and is always up for the task."

Really?  A REAL Christian, huh? You ignorant, pitiful ass.

The most "REAL CHRISTIAN" I know is Jesus Christ HIMSELF.

He had faith ... an unlimited supply of faith. Jesus Christ knew all things worked for Good. He knew he was going to make it. Jesus Christ was up for the task; he took the job.  Yet He anguished over what was ahead of him. HE WAS DISCOURAGED. Jesus Christ also questioned God, if surely, please, is there not another way we can do this? He begged for God to remove that cup from him. Jesus Christ was extremely heavy, and intensely sorrowful ... depression had a big hold of him ... so much so that his sweat and tears were falling like drops of blood ... HE WAS DISTRAUGHT EVEN UNTO DEATH ... so distraught that he wasn't just willing to die, but he wanted to die, but surely there's another way we can do this?!?!?!? Jesus Christ experienced a maxed-out emotional stress overload breakdown prior to his physical torture, and was in literal AGONY!!!

He KNOWS what it feels like, and He knows what it IS, and He understands.

And, for what it is worth .... if anything ... I do too.

I'm going to tell you, flat out, if you struggle with depression ... you have never been alone, in the past, and you are not alone right now, in the present, and you will never be alone in the future.

The Struggle is Real ... for REAL Believers ... for REAL Christians ... yes, the Struggle is Real.

21 Comments
    “.......one of the evidences that God is conforming [transforming] you to His image is that
    many will think you have lost your mind, and have gone off the deep end.”
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    "It's all about living your Life like a full-time job...writing about it is easy once you get into the groove." John Wells

    (Best Advice I've Ever Been Given)


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